You know when someone rips your heart apart and leaves you sitting in a big ole puddle of grief?
And then you come across some self-help advice from an all-loving guru, who is wayyyyyy more spiritually advanced than you (it says so on their website), and they say don't ask why he or she did what they did to you, but rather ask what is the gift?
Yeahhh …
That.
Annoying, isn't it?
(I'm sounding a bit cynical, but bear with me.)
It's not that I don't get what they're saying. I do. It's about looking for the silver lining, recognizing the eventual good that can come out of heartbreak, blah, blah, blah.
(Uh-oh! I'm sounding cynical again.)
Listen, I believe that things do work out for the best.
You dodged a bullet, and somebody better is waiting for you. You lost a friend, but you gained your self-respect. No one's trying to dim your light anymore, so go out and get that dream job, young lady!
But for me, it's a matter of where I need to focus first to heal the hurt.
Asking why (ad nauseam like I used to) or anticipating a pot of gold at the end of the rain (bow) doesn't work for me. It has me looking everywhere except where I should be looking, which is at the bad behavior exhibited by someone I cared for. The more I search for a gift, the less I hold them accountable for the pain they've caused me. Denial (of the facts) steps in, and consequently, my healing is derailed.
Of course, like most hurtees, I want to know the "why." Don't we all want to know why we've been mistreated, betrayed, or abandoned? We cry and lament, "I don't understand (*wiping tears*). Whyyyyyy did they do-ooo-ooo this?"
Once in a while, we get our answer: We simply got caught in the crosshairs of someone's poor decisions. It could be a friend or the love of our life. Whoever it is, they missed the mark. It's an unintentional hurt, and knowing that makes us feel better and can help facilitate our healing.
But when it comes to bad behavior, it's an exercise in futility to ask why. People do what they do. They are who they are, and sometimes ... ahem ... THEY’RE NOT NICE. No need to look deeper. As an old friend once reminded me, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." In this case, call a thing a thing and walk away.
As for a gift, maybe it's me (it often is), but I don't like the imagery it conjures up. As if this Mr. or Ms. tucked the hurt into a big robin's-egg blue box from Tiffany's and then had it delivered to my front door.
No.
Just ... no.
Growing up with domestic violence, I saw no rhyme or reason for the hurt being flung around in front of me. And I can tell you there were no "gifts" bestowed upon anybody in my house.
When my mother discovered that my father was illegally signing her name to legal documents, you can be sure she wasn't looking for sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows to ease the sense of betrayal she felt in her heart. Nor was she giving thanks immediately after one of their violent arguments.
The only question that should be asked in an abusive situation is, "How do I get out of here?" (Hopefully, the answer will come swiftly and lead to peace and safety.)
Was the abuser's childhood trauma a justifiable reason to sucker punch you while you were prepping dinner? Was there a gift wrapped in the degrading insults they directed at you daily for five years?
No, and no.
Now, not every hurt is the result of physical or verbal abuse.
What if someone just played with your heart? Players do that. (And then they ghost you.)
The why here is obvious: narcissism.
And rather than a gift, I prefer to say there might be a teensy weensy lesson nestled in this all too common scenario. Watch out when you're hungry for the zsa zsa zsu, those butterflies and tingles that keep you hooked into false promises. Those flashing red flags screaming "danger!" begin to look like green lights to you, and before you know it, you're down for the count. Your dreamboat is gone, and you're left stunned and defeated.
No gift, but a lesson learned–and bad behavior exposed.
Whether it's a romantic partner, a family member, or a bestie, your heart can be scarred by anyone.
Your ex-spouse's favorite pastime may have been tearing down your self-worth. A good friend turned business partner may have stolen from the till. A sister or brother might have knocked you upside the head more than a few times.
Getting your heart back in working order requires acknowledging the emotional or physical injuries you've sustained rather than sweeping that pain or trauma under the rug.
This isn't about blame. It's about telling the truth so you can move forward. Certain behaviors are inexcusable–not unforgivable, just inexcusable. And those are the ones that may not have a gift attached.
If you want a gift, I suggest you look in the mirror. Whether you kicked the offender to the curb or they ran the 100-yard dash out of your life, remember, you've still got you.
And isn't that the greatest gift of all?